Love is Mutual

“Love is an attempt at penetrating another being, but it can only succeed if the surrender is mutual.” Octavio Paz

“The hunger for love is much more difficult to remove than the hunger for bread.”  -Mother Teresa

“The art of love… is largely the art of persistence.”  -Albert Ellis

Have you ever loved something that did not love you? It hurts. It hurts because you are practicing the first law of love, love is action. You have invested deeply into the well being of this thing. The fact that it has not matched your investment hurts deeply.

Mutual love is always more benefit, more effective, and more fun. You cannot prove that love is mutual by nature, because it is not always mutual. You can, however, make an effective argument that love SHOULD always be mutual. It always wants to be mutual. It is at its best when it is mutual.

A relationship that practices “love is action”, “love is understanding”, and “love is unconditional” will achieve unfathomable results. The discussion of “love is mutual” is one of evoking a principle that will perpetuate the best efforts of this endeavor.

The principle of reciprocity.

Some ancient scholars have defined hell as a man pushing a large bolder up a steep hill. His efforts are grueling and painful. When he reaches the top of the hill the bolder rolls speedily back to the bottom, where he will start all over again. His labor continues for eternity.

The efforts of some troubled relationships can be characterized in this way. One empathizes, acts lovingly and consistently, only to watch the other spend effort on triviality. To avoid becoming the martyr of a relationship, I have researched the principle of reciprocity. It is one of several forms of influence that we can have on others.  

However, it is important to realize that, other than by the use of force, one person cannot control the decisions of another. The only person I have supreme control over is me. Despite my grandest of efforts, you still control you. My only hope is to influence you in such a way as to create the best result possible for both of us. In my opinion, love will do that. As Goethe said, “If I love you, what business is it of yours?” Therefore, we will seek to use the principle of reciprocity to achieve the mutuality in our relationships.

 Author Dr. Robert Cialdinis, suggests that the most fundamental behavior across all human societies is the within the principle of reciprocity. He describes the principle like this, “I am obligated to give back to you the form of behavior that you first give to me.” This principle has been demonstrated to some degree in experimentation by social science.

Dennis Regan conducted a study in 1971, where he tested the idea of reciprocity. From my understanding of the experiment, Regan had an unknowing participant being observed in a room. Regan’s assistant sat in the room as well, feigning the role of a study participant. Regan’s assistant would ask Regan if it were okay to leave the room to buy a soda. The assistant would leave the room for a few minutes and return with two sodas, one for himself and one for the other participant. At the end of the observation, Regan’s assistant would ask the participant to purchase him a raffle ticket. Regan found that 50% more people who received a soda purchased raffle tickets for Regan’s assistant than those from the control group that did not receive sodas. [1] Regan finds that the there is a strong urge to reciprocate the behavior of others.

Another observation showed an increase in tips for a waiter using the principle of reciprocity. When the waiter left mints with the check at the end of a meal, the waiter would receive an average of a 14% increase in tip. When the waiter would leave a mint with the check and return after a few minutes with more mints, his tip increased by 23%. [2] This is said to be indicative of the strong urge to reciprocate the behavior of others.

To further illustrate, I have engineered the reciprocity continuum:

How you behave toward someone will evoke the principle of reciprocity. The reciprocity continuum is an example of the options one has to choose from after receiving a behavior. The continuum works on the concept of perceived value. Each person in involved has a perceived value of the other person’s behavior. This perceived value is how people determine the value of the original behavior and the value of that behavior’s reciprocation.

To discuss, we will consider a behavior of perceived value has been received by Person A from Person B.

Negative Equity

At the low end of the spectrum we have negative equity. Person A responds with a perceivably value demanding behavior, causing negative equity for Person B.

Zero Equity

Person A does not respond at all, causing zero equity for Person B.

Partial Equity

Person A responds with a gift that person B perceives as being of lesser value. Person B receives partial equity.

Equity

Person A responds with a gift of equal perceived value. For Person B, the principle of reciprocity is fulfilled in equity.

Positive Equity

Person A responds with a gift of higher perceived value, providing Person B with positive equity.

Let’s explore an example.

Imagine you have given Jim an old lawn mower. It is in good working condition and you perceive its value at $80. In giving the gift, you have evoked the principle of reciprocity. This principle states, “I am obligated to give back to you the form of behavior that you first give to me.” Eventually Jim sees an opportunity to fulfill the principle of reciprocity by returning your gesture.

Positive Equity

Jim gives you a gift that you perceive is worth more than $80. You have received positive equity.

Equity

Jim gives you a gift that you perceive is worth exactly $80. You are at perfect equity. Jim has fulfilled the principle of reciprocity.

Partial Equity

Jim gives you a gift that you perceive is worth less than $80 but great than $0. You are at partial equity (which varies in degrees).

Zero Equity

Jim chooses not to return your gesture. You are at zero equity.

Negative Equity

Jim chooses to respond to your gesture negatively. He returns to your house after receiving the $80 lawn mower, and asks for $20 in gas. You comply with his request and end up with negative equity.

Perceived Value Given	Perceived Value Reciprocated	Result
$80	$90	Positive Equity
$80	$80	Equity
$80	$79.99-$0.01	Partial Equity
$80	0	Zero Equity
$80	-$20	Negative Equity

The most important thing to remember about the scenario is that we are working with perceived values. Jim’s return gift could have little worth in his mind. For example, Jim offers you a dusty old piece of furniture. It does not mean much to Jim, but your favorite hobby is restoring furniture. Therefore, Jim’s reciprocation is well received. You may even feel that you owe Jim something more.

Putting it all together.

What is the value of birthday card? How about one written and created by a child for a mother or father? Perceived value is all that matters. “Actual” value truly does not exist.  

What are the implications of this for our relationships?

Firstly, the principle of “love is understanding” has renewed significance. How can you properly reciprocate an act, if you do not deeply and empathically understand the person involved? At best, you will probably achieve partial equity and possibly be moving lower down the continuum.  Even if the reciprocation has great value in your mind, that does not matter. It only matters what value the behavior has in the recipient’s mind.

Secondly, we need to understand that not everyone knows the principle. Someone may be putting forth a great effort to know you, help you, or earn your good favor. If they are behaving in way that is not well received by you, you may need to communicate that to them. Also, one should be very appreciate of receiving gifts that have high perceived value in the eyes of the gift giver. This means they are doing a great thing for you, in their eyes.

Lastly, our goal is to achieve a mutual love. A relationship that has a martyr and victor will not last in the long term. Therefore, we must engage in the principle of reciprocity. Expect to land on the lower end of the continuum a few times, but never disengage in the effort. Any behavior will inspire reciprocation. Let’s make sure that we set our loved ones up for success, but helping them respond to our best efforts and hit the high end of the continuum.  

Remember, a relationship that practices “love is action”, “love is understanding”, and “love is unconditional” will achieve unfathomable results. Mutual love will tie all three of these things together and perpetuate this type of love indefinitely.

-Strength of GIF

---

[1] Regan, R. T. (1971). "Effects of a favor and liking on compliance". Journal of Experimental Social Psychology 7: 627-639. doi:10.1016/0022-1031(71)90025-4.

[2] https://www.helpscout.net/blog/the-psychology-of-personalization-how-waiters-increased-tips-by-23-percent-without-changing-service/