“When people talk, listen completely. Most people never listen.” Ernest Hemingway
"If you wish to make a man your enemy, tell him simply, 'You are wrong.' This method works every time." Henry C. Link
“Erroneous assumptions can be disastrous." Peter Drucker
Everyone experiences love the same way.
Please take a few moments to experience and familiarize yourself with a paradigm that has long caused much difficulty in relationships. I call this paradigm “I love you in a way that I would like to be loved”. I believe the basis of this paradigm is drawn from what many people refer to as the golden rule. The golden rule, as stated by Jesus is “Do to others as you would have them do to you (Luke 6:31, NIV).” Jesus was not alone in making such a statement. It was said years before his physical life and many times after. Its principle is in every major world religion and philosophical school of thought. From this rule, many have derived the following conclusion.
There is nothing different in how we experience love. There is a standard by which all people experience love and there are no exceptions. A word or action that has particular significance to me has the same significance to you, no more and no less. That means that when I say or do something that should be meaningful to you in my mind, it IS meaningful to you. You take everything exactly as I intend it to be taken from my perspective.
In that rare circumstance that a well intended act on my part is not taken well by you, it is your fault. You simply are not mature enough, fair enough, or reasonable enough to understand my higher intentions. Until you change, there will be no way to move forward in the relationship, because there is no way that I am wrong. There is only one standard for experiencing love, and that standard is MOST well understood and practiced by me.
Because this mindset is assumed by many people today, even prevalent in my own life, I would like to prove to you why it does not work. You cannot lick your own elbow, and you cannot strengthen any relationship with this paradigm.
People experience love in different ways, as people are different.
People experience love in different ways. People are different. Therefore people have different standards of what constitutes loving action, and this is acceptable and okay. When it works synergistically, it is actually quite beautiful. A word or action that has particular significance to me could conceivably have a different meaning to you. That means that when I say or do something that should be meaningful to you in my mind; it may not be perceived as meaningful by you at all. A comment of low meaning to me may mean the world to you..
If my good intentions are not received well by you, perhaps it is me that needs to rethink my approach. My ways are not any higher than your ways, just different that yours. You are in every way mature enough, fair enough, and reasonable enough to be loved in a way that works for you. If there is friction, I need to change. That way we can move forward in the relationship, because there is a distinct possibility that I do not understand you correctly. There are many standards for experiencing love, each as unique as individual to which they belong.
I commend to you the reading of three very important books:
Wild at Heart, John Eldredge
This book is about reclaiming a Man’s heart. It discusses the idea that men have been increasingly forced into female roles and thus made to stifle a deeply masculine way of life. Its most important point is that men are, by nature, much different than women. A man cannot be expected to learn and grow under the same circumstances as a female. Though many men have been held to those expectations for many years, it is simply unrealistic.
There is an equally important sequel titled Captivating by John and Stasi Eldredge. This book explores the uniquely feminine side of things. It further explores the concept of each gender being created UNIQUELY in God’s image. Again, its underlying principle is that men and women are fundamentally different. Hence, the purposes of each gender will likely be different in nature. Neither is superior nor inferior, just different.
Men are from Mars Women are from Venus, Dr. John Gray
This bestselling book is written by marriage counselor and seminar leader John Gray. This work begins with a metaphor. Men are from Mars and women are from Venus. After meeting one another on a foreign planet called Earth, both experience selective amnesia. Neither men nor women can remember that they came from different planets. Their differences baffle and frustrate each other. They live with the difficulty of not understanding their differences.
John’s point here is that the emotional differences between men and women are vastly different. He even explains scientifically (though he is not a scientist in any sense) that certain emotion-inspiring hormones (testosterone in males, oxytocin in females) are more prevalent in each gender respectively. He argues that it is vitally important to recognize and play to those differences, in order to have a successful relationship.
The Five Love Languages, Dr. Gary Chapman
Through his years of experience in relationship counseling, Dr. Chapman recognizes a theme. He notices that many couples that are coming to see him are trying very hard to please one another, but to no benefit. The frustrated couples act in a way that is consistent with their beliefs about love, but end up no closer than before to a successful relationship.
Dr. Chapman noticed a theme among his clients that amazed him, though it was simple. He noticed that people place more value on certain loving actions than others. The higher value a person places on a certain loving action, the more loved they feel when that action is done to them. Also, he noticed that whatever was a person’s highest value loving action was usually the first thing that person did to show others love. Moreover, the inconsistencies in what each person constituted as loving action were sourcing a great deal of the trouble that drove them to counseling in the first place.
The actions a person takes to show love is considered a love language under Gary’s metaphor. Because people place difference levels of importance on different actions, their proficiency in each language varies. The languages are as follows:
#1: Words of Affirmation
#2: Quality Time
#3: Receiving Gifts
#4: Acts of Service
#5: Physical Touch
Which do you speak?
Gary discusses how nature and nurture affect what love languages are most predominant in our lives. He suggests that we are all capable of each but usually proficient in one or two. The key takeaway is that what is most important to one is not necessarily most important to another. Recognizing the difference is half of the battle.
Love is understanding.
Does it really take volumes of books for us to realize that we are not being considerate of the differences of others? For me, the answer has been yes. It wasn’t until years after I read all three of these books did I start to realize the point that I am about to discuss here. Don’t be surprised if, by the end of this post, you are wondering how you wasted so much of your time only considering your point of view.
Love is walking a mile in someone else’s shoes. This is hands down, bar none, the ABSOLUTE MOST IMPERITIVE principle of love. There is no equal to this fact. Nothing that you ever read or heard or been taught will ever take precedence over this in human relationships. Nothing! Before you have done this, nothing else matters.
Consideration is the name of the game. Consideration is why I believe in Jesus Christ. My entire faith is based on the premise that it makes perfect since for the God of the universe, in all of his abundant greatness, to walk a mile in my shoes. It is just so… HIM! I understand that many people do not believe in the Christ. This is a choice, and should be one that each person reflects on with diligence.
In your reflection, understand that the God of the universe knows exactly how you feel. He doesn’t know because of omnipresence or magic power. He knows because he has taken the time, an entire lifetime, to feel what it is like to be in the same crappy body that you are in. If that doesn’t make you feel better about things, then I do not know what will.
One of the things that he said is the subject of this post. “Do to others as you would have them do to you (Luke 6:31, NIV).” I still can’t tell if he said this poorly, if it was recorded poorly, or if I have just misunderstood it poorly for a very long time. It is probably the latter. It may have appealed to me more like this, “Understand the circumstances that others are in. Treat them how you would want to be treated in those circumstances.” Draw this wisdom, based Dr. Chapman’s languages:
· Another thrives on words of affirmation. Though you have been programmed to believe that the need for affirming words is a sign of weakness, you provide them anyway.
· Another thrives on quality time. Though you have been programmed for efficiency, you provide the quality time anyway.
· Another thrives on receiving gifts. Though you have been programmed against any form of materialism, you give gifts anyway.
· Another thrives on acts of service. Though you have been programmed to believe that this is debasing and humiliating, or that it is selfish to require such an act, you serve anyway.
· Another thrives on physical touch. Though you have been programmed to avoid such contact, you provide it anyway.
The effective paradigm here is that I love people how THEY want to be loved. Dale Carnegie, when speaking of his enjoyment of a nice day of fishing said, “I love peaches and cream, but fish seem to prefer worms.”
By nature of this world, we are all in very different circumstances. Even the amount of things that happen between my wife and I from the time I leave for work until the time I come home, is enough to constitute the need to listen and become intuitive each day after work. Because of the intricacies of this world, I think it is important to discuss the limitation of models discussed in Wild at Heart, Men are from Mars Women are from Venus, and The Five Love Languages.
Firstly, generalities about people only serve a limited purpose. Otherwise, one can fall into the vicious process of stereotyping. The purpose of generalizing in these books is to make the point that people are very different, differences are natural, and that differences are okay.
Secondly, the generalizations are not perfect. Men are different from women, but that is not to say that men do not have womanly qualities and vice versa. John Gray often talks about how women want to be listened to and not have their problems immediately solved, whereas men would prefer to get to the solution. In my experience, I have often felt the desire to just be listened to and understood and not be offered a solution. This is the case for many men. Thus generalizing specific behaviors is subject to imperfections.
Thirdly, generalities are difficult to apply universally. For example, under Chapman’s love languages logic, it would be difficult to address any number of specific circumstances, such as conflict. What happens when speaking a spouse’s love language does not provide the intended result? There is no discounting the great results Chapman’s method has had for many people (over 5 million people have bought his book), but to use it as law would be disappointing.
Here is one thing you can use as law; you cannot purposefully love someone without first understanding them. This is the critical first step to strengthening relationships. It is the only way to gain an ability to act in an effective way. Otherwise, you’re just beating at the wind.
You can accidentally love someone without first understanding them. We see this when you get tag along buddies that you never quite intended to tag along.
You can also coincidentally love someone without first understanding them. You loved them by chance. The circumstances were right. We see this when people of like interest just seems to “click” and have to put no effort into loving each other.
Most other love requires work. The first efforts of this work must be understanding. A dedication to understanding may seem to go against what you believe is right and wrong. You must learn, only for a moment, to SUSPEND your personal beliefs. This is not a contest. No one has a monopoly over right and wrong, in regards to perceptions. Two people can have differencing perceptions and both are right. I see George Washington. You see a bald eagle. We are both looking at the same quarter.
If you can suspend your own assumptions and perceptions, you can enter into the world of another person. As the Cuban proverb goes "Listening looks easy, but it's not simple. Every head is a world."
Listening is to a person’s perspective is can be compared to listening to fable or a fairy tale. You may have to step away from what you perceive is reality, in order to get a clearer picture of what is happening. Have fun with the process. If someone is custom to flying, do not immediately discount their discount their abilities. Try to know what it felt like for them to fly. Did they use a cape?
In this manner, we can begin to understand the MEANING of what is being said, rather than the CONTENT of what is being said. Meaning always holds more significance. It is the significant of the communication.
Consider a quotation:
“Our first reaction to most others statements or opinions is an evaluation or judgment, rather than an understanding of it. It’s time we start to permit ourselves to understand what the meaning of the statement is to the other person.”
Dr. Martin Luther King
Understanding does not have limited implications. You can use it in complicated situations and simple matters. It does not assume the wicked face of stereotyping. It treats people like individuals. It allows people to stand apart from generalities and truly be a unique person of interest. You may be generally different than me, but you are also uniquely different, and that is more than okay. It is an opportunity.
Understanding will never be perfect, but it is always more perfect than flying by the cuff. The things that people value cannot always be attributed GENERICALLY to a gender or a race. It can sometimes only be attributed SPECIFICALLY to individuals. Jim has more individuality than just being a man. Sandy has more significance than enjoying receiving gifts. We are all as different as our fingerprints, naturally and positively so.
A week ago we discussed the principle that love is action. How do you know what actions to take? What will dictate you actions toward another? How will you love?
-Strength of GIF
